Why can't I be perfect?

Food for thought - 60 Percent... is better than the Senate Majority of 51%.

Okay, maybe that was a lame ass comment, but it's still the truth.

Fact is no one is perfect. Especially not me, you know that. Though somehow I did ace the Spanish Regents. I honestly think that was the only perfect moment in my life, but I digress. I struggle ferociously with my own ideologies. I'm never going to be the perfect engineer, sister, daughter, or even wife, though I really wish I could be. I beat myself up when I have no clue how to do something at work, or worse yet, I feel like an ass when I actually do fuck something up. Hell, I once crapped my pants I was so scared of taking a test. I get embarrassed when I make mistakes. I hide my anxieties behind my "tough girl" exterior. I want to be the best, but I fail to accept that my best maybe not always be The Best. We all do it, it's human nature.

I worry that I'm not the best wife I could be. I say things I shouldn't. I encroach when I should be backing off. And lords knows I piss him off (Sometimes I even do it intentionally!!) But I love him, and I respect him. The truth is though that I don't love 100% of him. There are definitely things I don't like, but I accept them, as that is who is he is. Because of that, I know I can't be responsible for making him 100% happy. There will always be times when he needs something to satisfy that part of him that I may not like... and when that times comes, I have to be able to give him the space to do that. Part of making him happy is knowing that sometimes he's the one who has to make himself happy. It hurts sometimes, knowing that he's happy doing something without me (gasp!), but there's comfort in knowing that he's at least happy. Same goes for me. There are things that I like that he could give a rat's ass about. Things that I need to do to find my own peace and happiness, and he in turn has to give me the time, space, and support to pursue that. And I have to admit, he does a better job at all of this than I do (but don't tell him I said that.)

So how do I do at it? Hmmm, I'd say I get it right about 50-60% of the time, seriously. But that's way better than where I was a year, or even two years ago. I still feel let down when he's not home when I wish his was, but now I make a better effort to appreciate him when he does get home. I still get annoyed with those parts of him that I don't like and haven't quite learned how to accept. I'm not the best wife in the world... but I'm the best wife I can be right now.... and I'm getting better every day.

He makes an effort to hear me when I'm sharing my feelings. He's still working on simply accepting my feelings versus invalidating them and telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. He struggles with accepting that "feelings" are never wrong, but how you deal with them can be. He's not the best husband in the world either(though he'd probably be mad I said that!)... but he's the best husband I could have ever hoped for, and he too is getting better every day.

We strive for 100% happiness, but we're not there... and we'll probably never be there. We're not perfect, and we'll still make mistakes and hurt each other. So for now, I'm content with my "less than perfect" life. I work on my own happiness by dealing with the things I have control over (and he's not one of them, even as hard I as I try!). With that, I also give him responsibility for his own happiness. There is quite a bit that I can do to help make him happy, but ultimately he has control. If he's not completely happy, I want to help, but I accept that there's only so much I can do... sometimes I just need to let him work it out.

I can't do it all... I'm not perfect.